Signing off!

This entry closes the behavior change blog and the professor asked us to make some closing notes in which I evaluate the program. First, the results are I learned how to adhere to a regular bedtime. Getting enough rest has created a harmonious element to my life. In hard numbers I followed the schedule 70% of the time. As a reward, I said I would give money to the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and as a punishment I said I would give money to Exodus International. However, I feel that my money would be better spent with the Sisters, so Exodus shouldn't expect a check from me.

What worked was my general good will to get to bed on time. Mid-way through the project I felt like a helpless fool trying to adhere to a silly good-boy/bad-boy game. The feeling of a good night's rest was (and will be) enough incentive to get to bed on time. What didn't work was the reward and punish elements of the project. It didn't work because I came to the realization that Christians shouldn't get my money to tell lies to the population about homosexuality (along with a few other fibs they tell, which we won't get into here).

One obvious part of this project was that I was paying extreme attention to my behavior. I think this heightened awareness is the true source of why I was able to change my behavior.

Once I get into a routine it is easy for me to follow it, but I have a tendency to get bored. Thus, for the changes to be long-term I just need to not feel stuck in a routine. Considering I chose a behavior that has life long benefits, a major part of my assigned bed times will be a permanent part of my life.

The most challenging part of the assignment was constantly reporting myself to the blog narcs. It is obvious that I'm not perfect and have a tendency to break the rules as I go, so I was annoyed to write about it time and again. However, I was happy to find so many readers who were enjoying the blog, so maybe I need to keep torturing myself.

Finally, the most valuable aspect of the assignment was reading my classmate's blogs. I feel we got inside our heads. Almost like we were all naked in the same room and had less to be ashamed of. Besides, I am computer nerd, so if get to do my work online then I am more likely to participate.

Signing off,
Anthony Moses Sanchez

Day 28

Today I made a huge effort back into the real world. Everytime I do this, it reminds me of several things. First, my tattoo, which symbolizes my continual rising from the ashes -- meaning I've fallen from farther hieghts, so I can get up from this. Anothter is the preciousness of life. I spent most of my day reveling in the return of the sunlight from the overcast of the weekend. In some romantic metaphysical way, the universe was mourning my loss. The best part was returning to Pitzer and watching Susan with her academic robe under her arm. That, to me, is like the holy grail. She too has been away from the office, resting during the pregancy of her second child. It was the colors of the robe, that of UCLA, and her encouragement that allowed the fire to return to my spirit. She proclaims to the other professors, "Did you hear Anthony got into UCLA." The other professors ears perk up. I am no longer just some kid in the corner composing e-mails and printing CVs. Now my day at work was short, I could only handle an hour-and-a-half, but it was enought to revive me. I'll be back to my old self soon. All of this rest exceeds my expectations; proving that I need to learn to become more harmonious with what my body tells me.

Let's see if I can make it to class tomorrow. Cheers!

Day 27

Memorial Day Weekend will go down in my books as a weekend of rest. My body forced me to rest, because it appears I have ruptured a muscle. This pain is difficult and can go an hour before the pain wakes me up. This leaves me lethargic all day. On Wednesday, I hope to see the doctor (since the wound has been bleeding since last week). If she approves of it, this will be the fourth surgery I've had to correct this pain. I'm not scared of the surgery, just the impact the pain will have as I near the finals. I'm going to hope for the best.

Day 22

To a few it may be shocking when I say that I've been away from my computer for 5 days. Along with that I have not been keeping my sleep schedule, work, or study schedule. The lost weekend was fun. I explored parts of the inland empire, fantasized about being a trucker, living life on the road, having a new place to wake up to every day. You'd hardly realize it, with the way the news scares us, that people are generally friendly to a complete stranger. In ancient Greek mythology, Zeus, amongst his many duties, was the god of hospitality. There was this sense that a stranger at your door could be a god, so be nice. We don't live like that any more. Even though I lost my mobile phone this weekend, I can say with optimism that life wonderful and people can be friendly when you least expect it.

Day 15

Angelica had a dissenting voice on her May 6th blog about operant conditioning. It's a good time to reflect on this, considering tomorrow night I will surely get to bed late and administering a punishment for the lateness. Obviously, the punishment method doesn't work very well on me. This may be enough reason to eradicate the punishment all together, but for now that's not what is on my mind. What I find at this point is we, (the entire Psych 1A-H class), are going to be overtly aware of our behavior, thus, consciously changing it. These rewards and punishments are merely incentives, like a carrot on a stick, to motivate us to do something that we have the will to do in the first place. At this point of the experiment I can say this: self-administering operant conditioning has a bias.

DAY 12

Today, I thought I'd write just before I head off to bed and reflect on the return to my sleep schedule. For the most part, there is an improvement on my sleep cycles. An example is right now, as my body is kind of demanding I get to bed soon. This behavior I've been on is beginning to become a physiological necessity. In a previous blog entry, I mentioned that coffee is beginning to lose it's potency, in a positive way. My body requires less of it, although I still crave it. An alternative that I tried on Friday was to drink some hot cocoa. This had a similar effect, on my brain if you will, than if I got coffee. I'm thinking I may be able to start drinking warm drinks as a supplement for coffee, but this is not on the immediate horizon.

One improvement I would like to make on this is the continuous reinforcement. As I read other classmate blogs, I realized that my reward & punishments are temporal. Over the week I'll create two jars, or something, so I can immediately imagine the rewards (and punishments). Speaking of punishments, this Thursday I said I'd go with Rebecca to a "Cougar Appreciation" party in Silverlake. I'm always down for a good party, especially in that area of LA, but now I am worried about keeping my schedule. We'll see how that works out. Right now I am planning to just duck out and sleep in the car. Sisters, I hope you realize how dedicated I am.

DAY 9

Today I am tired. There is another aspect to my sleep schedule that I cannot control and that is things in the morning that wake me up. I’m typically a heavy sleeper, so it takes a lot to wake me. This morning it was the sound of my brother and his girlfriend getting ready for work. They’ve been in a hush-hush conversation all week and I’ve been too immersed in work, honors classes, and breaking up with a boyfriend to pay much attention to them. (Not that I want in on the gossip, but I’m too empathic to these nuances to ignore it). At 4:45 am I hear the clunking around and the clinking of breakfast along with the hush-hush of their conversation. Today I am forcibly working on less hours than planned. Not sure that I can punish myself for any of this. Obviously I need to talk to my roommates (brother and his girlfriend) about being quiet in the morning, again. Aside from that, I’ve returned to my sleep schedule, but find myself requiring coffee to make it to the last half of the day. I am not sure if my lethargy is due to my medications (not psychiatric by the way) or some other underlying condition, such as this cold I am getting over. Yesterday, finishing my coffee, I had this minor sense of disgust. Believe it or not, I wasn’t compelled to finish my coffee. Looks like my body is beginning to revolt. Ah caffeine, I think your days are numbered.